Let’s discuss Christian sexuality, because the Church has failed in this area. Instead of living in freedom, Christian women are hiding in shame. Instead of talking about sex, Christian women are putting their sexuality in a box under their beds.
Recently, I met one Christian woman in her thirties who shared that she had a box of lingerie tucked away under her bed. She shared that she’d been buying cute underwear and bras for years. Every sale, she added another to her collection. Hoping that one day, she would have a husband to share them with.
Her story left me questioning:
Will a husband fill her longing to be loved? What if she never gets married?
Friends, I support cute underwear and sexy time in marriage. I support celebrating sex in marriage and wearing cute things. I support lingerie, Jesus, and the girls who love both. I even support having the hope and the desire for a future husband. But, what I do not support is how she is waiting.
In singleness, we can pursue satisfaction in Jesus or we can wait for the hope of satisfaction in a husband. We can pray and ask God for a husband in a healthy way, or we can idolize our desire for a husband and think/talk/pray about it all the time.
My advice to this woman is this — open that box and wear that lingerie. Today! It does not matter if no one will see it, because you will know. Wear it now and feel confident and beautiful in your sexuality.
Because the Church has failed to talk about sexuality, the church has sadly taught us a lie: “You become sexual once you get married.”
In reality, how would this work? You slip on that wedding ring and all of a sudden you become a sexual being? That would make no sense. God created us as sexual beings (Genesis 1:28). God created us as man and woman, in His image, with the desire to live naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:24-25). To become more like God, we have to become more naked and unashamed.
As a single person, you are a sexual being. Storing away your sexuality in a box under your bed will have bad consequences. You could more easily act out. You could think marriage will solve your problems. If you do one day marry – you could feel disappointed in your sex life.
How do we find a balance with all of this as a Church?
How can we celebrate sexuality in singles and marrieds?
How can we not make idols of sex?
How can singles trust in God’s perfect plans, with a box of wishes tucked under the bed?
How do we live naked and unashamed?
Some day I hope to dive deep into each one of those questions, but the key truth for each question is this: We have to go back to Eden, back to God’s design for sexuality. We must start talking about our sexuality instead of storing it in a box under the bed, waiting and hoping for the day we can become ‘sexual.’
As a result of sin, we hide our sexuality. After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and realized they were naked, they hid from God. And what was God’s response? God called them out of hiding and back into His presence. Sin changed everything, but God didn’t leave them hiding and ashamed. Instead, God made them clothing. He clothed them. He comforted them. He met them in their pain.
Turn to God in your pain and ask God to clothe you with comfort. Find contentment in singleness. If you don’t find contentment as a single, you will never find contentment as a married.
If you’ve never treated yourself to cute underwear and bras, call up a girlfriend and go shopping today. That’s exactly what I did.
In high school, I remember going shopping at the mall and buying lingerie without my parents knowing, thinking I needed them to be a sexual being. Years later, these events and my past still affect my view of sexuality. Because of my past experience with sex, shame surrounded the idea of buying lingerie. “That was the old Joy,” I thought. I now know, this is a lie. I can wear lingerie and not experience shame. I went shopping and tried on the most adorable lacy items, and it was a therapeutic experience. My walk with God has included learning the Biblical definition of a sexual being.
Growing up, I thought something was wrong with me because I had sexual desires and no one was talking about it. My church said to not have sex before marriage and then ended the conversation. I thought I was a good Christian girl because I saved vaginal sex, yet did everything else. My community failed to explain an essential part of our humanity, being sexual beings, and failed to describe why sex is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given His children. Because of my sin and my lack of sex education, I was very broken sexually. Shame engulfed me, but slowly over time, God began to heal me. He used seminary and people to teach me God’s design for sexuality.
As I left the store, with bags full of the most adorable bras and underwear I’ve ever owned, I praised God for creating us as sexual beings. For the first time ever, I thanked God instead of complaining for being a sexual being. God has clothed me with comfort and healed me from my shame, like Adam and Eve.
If you struggle with the things I have shared, I want you to take two action steps this week.
- Talk about your sexuality. Reach out and talk with a trusted friend who loves Jesus. If you lack a friend who loves Jesus, send me a message. Because YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
- Go shopping. Plan into your scheduled this next week a time when you go and buy cute bras and underwear. I’m not suggesting you use them in promiscuity. I’m suggesting you live out your sexuality now, instead of waiting for the future.