How many sermons have you heard on singleness and sexuality? Sadly, many churches fail to cover these topics in messages. Our singles are believing the lie that something is wrong with them for having sexual desires and curiosities. Can we free these women from shame and share the message that God created them as sexual beings? We need to talk about singleness and sexuality because our single members are asking questions like, “What do we do with our sexual desires?” If we don’t provide these answers, pornography could become their solution.
When the church views marriage as the ultimate goal, we are hurting everyone. We hurt the singles now and we hurt them again if they get married because they are entering marriage thinking that marriage is the solution. The real and lasting solution is Jesus. Yes, I’m married. And yes, I still have all the same issues I had when I was single. Marriage didn’t fix me. Marriage didn’t heal my addiction to masturbation and pornography, Jesus did. Marriage is not our highest calling, but rather following Jesus is our highest calling.
As my now husband and I were dating, we felt shame for our sexual desires. We chose to avoid sex before marriage, but longed for “oneness.” No one told us this was normal, healthy even, and that God created us as sexual beings. The fact that we desired sex revealed that we were two healthy humans. Instead of praising God for our heathy bodies, we felt embarrassed for desiring something off limits.
Enter sexual shame into our relationship.
This was not the first time I experienced shame. I felt the need to hide my sexual desires as a young single woman. I felt shame after going too far with my high school boyfriend, and after my dad found a hickey on my neck, and after experiencing sexual abuse.
Many things can make us experience sexual shame. We feel sexual shame when… (more…)
“Run. Bolt before he dies and leaves you heartbroken.” That’s what a friend said when I told her about the cancer-surviving man I had met in the elevator.
Just days before this conversation, this man and I had become Facebook friends. While scrolling through his profile pictures, I paused — I saw a white sash draped over his shoulder. Not any white sash, but one that read “survivor.” That cute boy I met in the elevator had survived cancer.
Maybe I should run now while I have the chance. (more…)
With tears in her eyes, hesitating to ask, she whispered, “Will my future husband still love and forgive me?” My new friend had a fear common to women who have found freedom from sexual sin. Jesus freed her from the chains of pornography, but currently she was gripped by the chains of fear. Have you had this fear or other fears about your future spouse and marriage because of your sexual past? (more…)
Let’s discuss Christian sexuality, because the Church has failed in this area. Instead of living in freedom, Christian women are hiding in shame. Instead of talking about sex, Christian women are putting their sexuality in a box under their beds.
Recently, I met one Christian woman in her thirties who shared that she had a box of lingerie tucked away under her bed. She shared that she’d been buying cute underwear and bras for years. Every sale, she added another to her collection. Hoping that one day, she would have a husband to share them with.
Her story left me questioning:
Will a husband fill her longing to be loved? What if she never gets married?
How far can my boyfriend and I go physically before it becomes a sin?
Christians ask this question all the time, so if you are asking this, you are not alone. You are normal and your desires are normal. Being physically attracted to your significant other is a good thing. If you weren’t physically attracted, I would recommend you break up. Our challenge then becomes, what do we do with these desires?
Our churches are filled with conflicting beliefs. Some Christians believe kissing is okay. Others argue you shouldn’t kiss until your wedding day. Some Christians think that everything but vaginal sex is okay. Others argue that sex includes more than vaginal sex. What do we do with these contradictions?
In this post, I will answer ‘How Far is Too Far,’ share some personal stories, and provide some practical tips to live out purity in dating. (more…)
In the midst of the guilt, shame and pain of sexual sins, painful thoughts fill my mind, “I can’t believe I sinned… again. Does God hate me for my addictions? Will I ever find freedom?”
If you are struggling with sexual sin today, I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve spent a lot of time talking about finding freedom from sexual sin and the importance of fighting for purity on the blog, but I haven’t spent enough time talking about grace.
To help you better understand grace, here are a few definitions. Grace is the beauty of following Christ.
Grace is unmerited favor.
Grace is God loving us when we don’t deserve it.
Grace is God’s riches at Christ’s expense.
Grace is the divine means by which God makes Himself everything we need.
When we mess up, God gives us grace. When we feel shameful and defeated, God gives us grace. When we hide from Him, God gives us grace.
Just like Adam and Eve who hid behind fig leaves after they sinned, we run, hide, and build our own fig leaves. What fig leaves are you hiding behind? (more…)
In four months I can freely have sex with my husband whenever we want, but for now, we can’t. We’re engaged and waiting. Deciding to honor God in purity, my fiancé and I are refraining from experiencing sexual intimacy. This isn’t easy. In fact, waiting is hard.
We’ve messed up and have pushed the boundaries further than we’ve wanted to, but we still have yet to have sex. And each time we realize we are pushing the line, we re-evaluate. We re-check our physical boundaries. We re-ask each other this question:
Why are we fighting for purity?
If we don’t know why we are fighting, we will stop fighting. If we don’t see the value of purity, we will never guard it. (What does the Bible say about purity?) Beth Moore explains this perfectly in her new study, Entrusted, “We won’t effectively guard what we don’t highly esteem.”
Do you have high esteem for purity? Do you want to live a life marked by obedience to God?(more…)
Readers often ask us questions about relationships, specifically Christian romantic relationships. Women want to know how to find a godly man, what godly men look for in a girlfriend, and lots more. Today four Christian men answer questions about their significant other. Among the four, one is dating, two are engaged, and one is married. Let’s check out their answers! (more…)